This is Part 2 of ‘Finally out of the gutter’.
—————————————————
So you hate the narcissist, don’t you?
‘Hate’. Such a strong word. Usually affiliated with deep resentment, vitriol and profound anger.
This kind of anger is quite something. It’s a desire to scream at the top of your lungs and vent your frustration at the entitled pathological liar who is trying to gaslight you for the hundredth time in the past twenty-four hours. You look at them and just want to slap that smug off their face.
You have considered breaking a few things to unload your irritation, and you will never openly admit that you had once indulged the thought of ripping their eyes out of their eyeballs because of what they did to you (you can come clean in the comments, I won’t judge). Then you see them gallivanting with a new shiny thing on their arm (grrrrr), and you want to grab that new partner by the shoulders and shake them out of the illusion before it’s too late.
Remember the temperance we talked about in ‘Finally out of the gutter’? I know I said that I was willing to forfeit it when it came to hating narcissists, but that was, well… How do I say this without you hating me?
It was bait. Yes, I did it. I took hold of the rod, hurled the hook into the water, with the bait well fastened at its tip. Did you swim to the surface and take the bite? It may well be that you are reading this with that barb sunk deeply into the top of your mouth, hands swinging and feet dangling in the air. Touché.
Hate is draining, isn’t it? Vengefulness is like a hole that never gets its fill (how deeply unpleasant). Anger demands more and more of you, until you are left bitter and more hurt than you were before (how very exasperating). This hatred is keeping you emotionally aroused, and that is exactly where the narc wants you.
How about a different approach? Let’s rip the band-aid off.
detachment | dɪˈtatʃm(ə)nt |
noun
the state of being objective or aloof
Detachment from the situation. Detachment from the person you thought you loved. Detachment from the relationship you thought you had. Detachment from the false reality you were living in. Detachment from the heated emotions. Detachment from the resentment. Detachment from the feelings of injustice. Detachment from the anger against the abuser. Detachment from the desire to seek revenge. Detachment from the need for closure. Detachment from the need to tell everyone how bad a person the abuser is. Detachment from overthinking. Detachment from self-doubt and self-blaming.
I like my detachment how I like my champagne: ice cold. From the ferocious invasion of my taste buds as it pours into my mouth to the crisp, to the tingly sensation that lingers in my throat, it is wonderfully delicious.
The Cold Detachment Scheme
Cold Detachment is simply (1) seeing narcissists for what they are, and (2) treating them as such, so you can (3) get out and stay out—in other words, avoid them like the plague.
It sounds simple enough, one would think, but this is a very hard concept to grasp for the ensnared victim of a narcissist because of their cognitive dissonance and addiction to the narcissist. They live in what I call the Abyss. Crawling out of this Abyss is one of the core aspects in the body of work I have in mind for this blog.
You need to repurpose your indignation and turn it into an effective weapon against the narcissist. The first step towards that goal is going from heated hatred to cold detachment. Your hatred must live in the freezer. To conquer the narcissist and hope for any healing from their abuse, you must become the Ice Queen.
‘Say no more,’ saith Hatred. ‘We are moving to Alaska!’
The time your emotions will spend in Alaska will enable you to locate and address the enemy within: Emotional Thinking. That treacherous–
I’m trying to be civil here, but screw that. I’ll say it. That treacherous bitch!
Emotional Thinking is the one responsible for keeping you in the Abyss. She is a seductress, always lurking in the shadows, seeking to get you emotionally aroused so you can feed your addiction. We will be delving deeper into her antics in future articles, so please do make a mental note of the harlot. We will also discuss the addiction—another traitor.
Therefore, when you reach Alaska, the Olympic gold medalist of emotional gymnastics that is Emotional Thinking will be forced into the icy environment of detachment. The heated foggy fumes present in your mind will clear, and you will finally be able to see things for what they are and defend yourself (and your children or any other dependent) against the narcissist. Once you have put her on a leash, you will be more readily able to achieve the third part of the Cold Detachment Scheme we discussed above.
The third part is in essence how you disarm the narcissist, go ‘against’ the narcissist and defeat the narcissist, and it comes down to this single thing: NULLITY.
O Nullity, Nullity, wherefore art thou Nullity?
Deny me not thy virtue and refuse not thy name.
As thou wilt, I swear my love to thee
And I’ll no longer be prey (to the narcissist)
Grasping this concept has changed the course of my life and I know it will have the same effect on you. The way you get out and stay out is by mentally and emotionally reducing the creature of chaos that is the narcissist to nullity. Nullifying their emotional grip on you. Nullifying their importance. Ignoring their existence. That is your weapon. That is your end goal. That is how you protect yourself and ‘get back’ at them. You make them irrelevant, insignificant, and obsolete.
nullity | ˈnʌlɪti |
noun (plural nullities)
1 an act or thing that is legally void
2 a thing of no importance or worth
3 nothingness.
HG Tudor of Knowing The Narcissist
I had already spent several years in treatment when I came across a unique take on narcissistic personality disorder by HG Tudor, a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath (oh, the irony) who runs the blog ‘Knowing The Narcissist’. I have since become an assiduous student of his work and will be using his parlance and referring to his frameworks throughout the journey that lies ahead of us.
I can hear you say it, ‘Crediting a narcissistic psychopath on the welcome address of a platform called “Antinarc”?’ Yes, that’s just our sense of humour over here. Nothing is black and white, and the most interesting things in life happen in the grey. You can take it or leave it. The choice is yours.
Welcome to The Antinarc — Against narcissists
This is where you achieve nullity towards the narcissist. It is time to take those heated, emotional boxing gloves off and get out of the ring.
___________________
Banner image: ‘Glacier – Alaska’ by William Crosby.
Leave a Reply