Love on the Brain — Necessary Evil, Part II

‘You were this wonderful person,’ I hear your heart cry to them. ‘I thought you were my soulmate, but you changed from one day to the next. I have tried it all, but nothing is ever enough for you. Please, all I want is for the person I fell in love with to return. All I need is for you to love me, like you once did.’

Except, they never did.

And you got me like, oh
What you want from me?
And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price’s too high
Baby you got me like, oh, mm
You love when I fall apart
So you can put me together
And throw me against the wall

Of course, they love when you fall apart; it is the very essence of their existence. They build you up so they can tear you down. You are idealised so you can be devalued. They go hot and cold, up and down, round and round. They pretend to want to put you together, and when things seem to be back on track, they throw you against the wall to watch you fall apart once more.

One may not be a fan of pop music or Rihanna as an artist, but one has to admit that ‘Love on the Brain’ from her 2016 Anti album (pun intended) nails it. Aside from the waltzesque soulful groove reminiscent of 60s Blues (and that wicked, wicked electric guitar), the record encapsulates the push and pull that happens in a relationship with a narcissist uncannily.

Baby, keep loving me
Just love me, yeah
Just love me
All you need to do is love me, yeah
Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow
I’m tired of being played like a violin
What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin’ heart?

‘Really, what?’ I hear you ask. Well, nothing.

You will never get into their heart because they don’t have one. Ever heard of the devil? They are his dark knights in rusted armour. Which takes me to the first principle of the Necessary Evil.

Necessary Evil #1: Acknowledging that the Narcissist is not capable of love.

I call this a ‘necessary evil’ because it seems too harsh and radical a fact to impute to someone. Viewing people this way feels unnatural. I found it evil to judge them in this manner originally because I always thought that there was enough cruelty in the world, and I shouldn’t be the one adding to it.

I soon realised that if this was evil, then accepting it would have to be necessary for me to gain my freedom from narcissists. Over time, I understood that it was not evil at all, but simply facing reality without the veil of hope I mistakenly cast upon everyone and everything I interacted with.

It may be that you will reject these different necessary evils outright because they deeply conflict with your worldview, but hear me out before you do.

There is simply no amount of devotion and hope in the world—and certainly not from you alone—that can make up for the incapability of true love that the Narcissist suffers from. It is because of this fact that they love when you fall apart. They feign contrition, then try to patch you up with fleeting moments of illusory love just to let that emotional hammer of devaluation come crashing down once again.

Have you forgotten the grin that illuminates their face when they see you crying or complaining about their treatment of you? Or the concealed smirk that forms in the corner of their lips after they provoke you to anger, knowing very well that it hurts you? What’s that smirk for? It is an expression of the deep satisfaction, the surge of power, they feel from feeding off of you as the emotional vampires they are.

You are dealing with an individual who can love no one else but themselves, and there is nothing you can do to change that fact. The earlier you accept this, the earlier you detach from them. The earlier you detach from them, the earlier you get out and stay out.

So why is that? Why is the narcissist incapable of love?

Necessary Evil #2: Realising that the Narcissist has no genuine emotional empathy.

They have no empathy. They may have learned how to mimic it, but there is only so much that mimicry can do. Hence why they will always inevitably show you their true colours through their cruel treatment of you.

They play you like a violin because that’s what you are to them: a toy. You are a tool, an object, an appliance designed to provide them with what they want. Nothing more.

This was another point that was a bit hard for me to grasp. I struggled to rewire my brain around my beliefs about the human soul. That its inherent fabric and dignity—as explained in Part 1—did not apply to narcissists. Accepting that no level of encouragement, understanding, patience and love could be enough to move this specific category of people towards change altered the course of my life forever. I urge you to do the same.

Oh, and baby I’m fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something, babe?
And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That’s got me feeling this way
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can’t get enough
Must be love on the brain yeah
And it keeps cursing my name
No matter what I do, I’m no good without you
And I can’t get enough
Must be love on the brain

Yup! Must be. For it surely isn’t logic.

It is indeed ‘Love of the brain’, i.e. our blinded devotion to love overruling our faculty to use our brains to analyse evidence and draw sensible conclusions. This is Emotional Thinking, the Treacherous Seductress who wants us to stay connected to the Narcissist.

The fact that the Narcissist has no genuine empathy means they operate with no conscience. They feel no remorse. Callousness is their love language—be it emotionally or outright physical violence. They abuse you over and over again, without ever viewing their behaviour as wrong. They will beat you black and blue in the morning, then come home in the evening to give you the best sex of your life, because they—

You know I always try to be civil (the coarse song lyrics aren’t mine), but I have to drive the point home. They do it simply because they don’t give a fuck about you!

They are showing you the truth through their actions, and it is your responsibility to rescue your mind from the clutches of Emotional Thinking, open your eyes and accept that truth. Examine the evidence of their actions and accept it.

Words are cheap and empty; they mean absolutely nothing unless backed up by actions. Inspect the actions, and you will know what words are truly being spoken to you. If the actions show abuse, then it is not love that is being spoken, but hate. Ah, here comes that strong word once more: hate.

Necessary Evil #3: Registering that the Narcissist hates you.

Not only you, but everyone.

I pondered whether this realisation of mine about narcissists was correct for a while. Do they hate everyone, or is it something else? After thinking about it for some time, my answer was a resounding ‘Yes’.

Narcissists hate their partners, family, children, friends, and even strangers—absolutely everyone. How or when the hate manifests differs, but the hate is always there.

This conclusion relies on the fact that they are incapable of emotional temperance, nuance, or sustainable self-contentment. They lack these things because they have no sense of self, and their false self depends on other people—that is, you—to exist.

It means that to them, every person they interact with is either helping bolster their false self, i.e. painted white, or is actively attacking it, i.e. painted black. They do not possess the empathy required to see things in a more nuanced way than ‘You are either for me or against me’.

When you are painted white, they idealise you. And when you are painted black, they devalue you. When you are idealised, they love you and act in a seemingly empathic and kind way towards you. When you are devalued, they hate you and act like a fiend. But having established that they possess no genuine empathy and thus can only feign love and care, their seeming love when you are painted white is fake.

For a normal human being, what would be left when they neither love nor hate someone would probably be indifference. But narcissists don’t do indifference. If narcissists could be indifferent, then they would leave us alone. But all the time, resources and energy they invest in hoovering say otherwise.

They are like a pest that never goes away, no matter how many times you have enlisted professional cleaners to detox your house. You changed your furniture and home linens and repainted the whole home from floor to ceiling. When all of that didn’t work, you decided to go to the extreme of moving houses—only to see the pests lurking behind the walls of that brand new house.

Narcissists can’t and will never be indifferent. Impossible.

So when there is no indifference, and neither the person painted white nor the person painted black can be loved, what is left?

Am I the narcissist?

Within days of beginning my research on narcissism, I came across HG Tudor and started reading and watching his content at an aggressive rate. When I decided to explore other resources later, they paled in comparison, and I was grateful I had found him as early as I did.

Unlike the majority of stories I read from other victims of narcissists, my relationships always ended with me leaving. I have never been disengaged from or discarded. That fact, and other elements I was learning about narcissism from HG, made me think that I was the narcissist all along.

You should have seen my racing mind trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do with myself!

‘Just don’t be an a**hole, Isabelle, and you should be fine,’ I thought. ‘I don’t want to be one, but I think my narcissism won’t let me.’ A few moments later… ‘Wait, was that me blame shifting to make myself feel like the victim?’

The days went on, and the more I read from HG, the more the thoughts kept popping up sporadically in my mind.

‘If this is me realising that I am a narcissist right now, does it mean that I am a Greater? Is this what being a wee devil feels like? I don’t think so. It shouldn’t feel this peaceful inside… I think.’

‘If I’m a narcissist, then I’d rather know it than be the insufferable unaware middle mid-range. Thank goodness I won’t be that!’ A few moments later… ‘But if it’s only now that I am gaining awareness, then I have been that my whole life!’

‘You know what? I should exclusively target narcissists. Then we can manipulate the hell out of each other, drain the life out of each other and die miserable together, as we deserve.’ A few moments later… ‘Er, no—my narcissism probably won’t allow that. If it works well, then it shouldn’t. It will want me to be like HG, to target kind people who will give me the most fuel over a long period of time. But I can’t be like HG.’ (Stopping in my tracks) ‘Oh my God! Am I like HG?’

After exhausting myself with overthinking, I finally concluded: ‘I need to book a consultation with HG. I’ll ask him to coach me on how to manage this narcissism. I can’t go on like this.’

Before booking the consultation, I decided to search in HG’s catalogue to see if anyone had ever felt this way. I found his video titled ‘Am I a Narcissist?’ That led me to other videos on the matter and my, my! The relief felt like warm, cosy arms that wrapped themselves around me in a hug, saying, ‘It’s alright, love. You only have the other four hundred crazy theories of your overthinking to worry about now.’

When Emotional Thinking distorts love

I always gave myself a certain limit over which I would not take the abuse in my relationships with narcissists any longer. This threshold was always communicated to the other party. I had more patience with family relatives who were narcissists than with romantic partners. But more with romantic partners than with platonic friends.

I left religion this way. I left all my previous narcissistic romantic partners this way. I fled from my narcissistic parents this way. I quit several former lucrative opportunities and projects this way. I broke up my friendships with narcissists this way.

I wish I could tell you that ‘As soon as they crossed these limits, I was out!’. Unfortunately, I would continue to stretch the limit and give them time. I would continue to hope and think that if we could work this out, then we would be okay. I would think that life wasn’t easy, and neither were relationships.

‘Certainly this person deserves a chance, and not to get dumped just because they are not perfect,’ I thought. But then, eventually, even that stretched limit would be reached, and I couldn’t stay any longer.

For all of the boundaries, I still wasted years of my life trying to fix irredeemable situations. It was always whilst staying in highly contentious relationships with narcissists. That’s what Love on the Brain gets you.

Ezra

I remember asking my ex, Ezra, at least once a day, ‘Who the f**k do you think you are?’. It made him laugh, but never change (hence the daily reiteration).

He started his fits of furious rants at around Month 8 of our relationship. By Month 12, I stopped just sitting there and taking it. The relationship became an explosive mess.

By Year 2, I was done with the shouting matches. My default became withdrawal. So when he got on one of his furious outbursts, I’d put my phone on the table and leave. When he realised I wasn’t listening anymore, he’d hang up and call back. I’d pick up and warn him that if he shouted again, then I’d hang up on him. That made him furious, so he started shouting again, and so I obliged.

He would call and call and call. No answer. Then he would give me the silent treatment. After a few days or sometimes weeks, he’d call again but quickly realised that I wasn’t willing to talk. Now I was giving him the silent treatment (See why I thought I was the narcissist?).

If such fights were happening in the same room, I would get up and leave. He’d try to stop me in various ways. When the threats, charm, bribes and everything in between failed (playing me like a violin, indeed), he’d seize my phone. He’d lock the door, put both phone and key in his pocket, then dare me to get them back. He revelled in provocation.

It was his knowledge that he couldn’t keep me in the room because of my dad that I used. Reminding him of the monstrosity of that man (who I have come to learn is a high functioning narcissistic psychopath) was usually how I managed to leave.

After a few hours or a day of this silent treatment, he’d show up at my doorstep unannounced. He always took some grand gesture or expensive gift along. Love on the Brain took over. I would fall for the false contrition, ‘Surely if he is showing up with such a nice gesture, then he must truly be sorry.’

I wish I had understood what I am sharing with you in this article earlier. It would have kept me from clinging to the non-existent hope. I would have adjusted my beliefs at an earlier juncture and avoided much harm and heartache.

Avoid those mistakes, accept the Necessary Evils, and go from Love on the Brain to Logic on the Brain.

___________________

Banner image: ‘Anti’ Album Cover by Roy Nachum (1979-present).